6 Ways to Promote Recovery After Intimate Partner Violence

1. Learning About Violence, Coercive Control and their Consequences

Knowing what you're dealing with and what the consequences are can help take a step back from the situation, validate and normalize feelings, and decrease the feeling of isolation. It also allows to take stock of all that has happened and how one reacted to the situation. To do this, it is possible to talk to a counsellor, to read articles, to explore self-assessment tools, to listen to podcasts, to watch documentaries, to explore survivors' stories and testimonials, etc.

2. Building a Healthy Lifestyle

It can be difficult to know where to begin recovering from the psychological and post-traumatic consequences of domestic violence. On the other hand, we generally know quite well how to recover physically from illness, for example. Since domestic violence has many repercussions on physical health (injuries, stress-related health problems, etc.), it's often a good idea to focus on this aspect of recovery first. You don't have to do everything, but the more you succeed in maintaining a healthy lifestyle, the more you'll promote your recovery on all levels. Small gestures or simple habits can often make a big difference.

• Improving your diet: drinking enough water, eating regularly, choosing healthy foods, and so on.
• Trying to get some exercise: taking a walk, getting back into a sport, playing ball with children, etc.
• Getting outdoors every day: spending time in a green (or white!) space can improve psychological well-being.
• Practicing a range of activities known to promote inner balance and calm: meditation, yoga, tai chi, dance, etc.
• Improving your quality of sleep: maintaining a regular sleep routine, avoiding caffeine, avoiding daytime naps, limiting the use of screens, reserving the use of the bedroom exclusively for sleep, etc.
• Avoiding drugs and alcohol abuse: these habits can aggravate other problems, such as sleep disorders and depression.
• Consulting a doctor to explore different options that could support your physical and psychological recovery: psychotherapy, physiotherapy, occupational therapy, massage therapy, medication to counter anxiety, depression or insomnia, temporary sick leave from work, etc.

3. Journaling

Journaling can help take ownership of one's story, take a step back and express feelings. It's a way of taking a moment to offer oneself understanding and compassion.

Stories can be written on paper, but also digitally or artistically. It is possible to write about what happened in the past, about what is going on in the present and about hopes for the future. It can be written in the first person or in the 3rd person, as a private narrative or as a letter to an abuser or someone else. It can be an ongoing story or different ideas  and topics in a jumble. It is a space to tell hard stories, but also to record hopes and gratitudes. It can be done in writing, in drawings, in paintings, in poems, in songs, on collages, on photos, by video montages, etc.

A journal can be kept private, like a secret garden, or it can be shared it with a trusted friend. It can also be destroyed, burned, buried, etc. The important thing is to take back the power over one's story.

4. Letting Time Take its Course

Each person reacts differently to trauma, and it's important to follow one's pace in recovery. It's important to be patient and kind with oneself, and above all to avoid judging the fact that healing takes time. The recovery process is gradual, and it can sometimes take a few years to overcome the majority of post-traumatic impacts. It's also important to remember that if an ex-partner continues to use post-separation violence, this will necessarily prolong the recovery period. It is important to be particularly understanding and patient with oneself.

5. Collectivizing the Experience of Intimate Partner Violence

Intimate partner violence is a social (not an individual) problem rooted in sexist values that allow certain partners to feel legitimate in taking control of their relationship. In Quebec alone, it affects hundreds of thousands of people every year.

Victims of IPV often feel ashamed and embarrassed about having experienced it. No matter what the circumstances, the fact of having suffered violence is never the victim's fault. Never. It's not because there's something they didn't understand, or did wrong, or saw wrong. In a way, we are all vulnerable to violence, as soon as we're open to others, capable of forgiving, capable of compassion, capable of trust, capable of questioning. The person responsible for violence is always the abuser, who has chosen to try to gain power and control by using violent behaviours and by manipulating the victim because they feel justified in doing so. The fundamental problem is that there is still too much sexism in the values that shape our society.

When we take a step back and look at the social phenomenon more clearly, we see that thousands of people, each as different as the next, have stories which, despite their differences, are very similar. This makes it possible to understand oneself as a victim of the aggressor himself, but also of a social problem that still persists today and needs to change. Involvement in discussion or anti-violence groups can help this process, and provide the kind of mutual support that can make a big difference to recovery. A support group or a stay in a shelter is a privileged place for collectivization. Other informal and community resources - such as Women's Centers - are also good places to access them.

6. Getting Support from a Specialized Counsellor

To promote recovery, it can be very helpful to have access to a counsellor who is specialized in intimate partner violence. This counsellor can offer support and guidance, no matter what one wants to do with their situation. They can also help to explore the different recourses, services and resources that are available. They can also explore needs in terms of individual or group support, and explore the possibility of continuing one's journey through psychotherapy.

You can access 24-hour anonymous, confidential and free telephone support, individual meetings, support groups and many other services by contacting SOS Violence Conjugale via the "Contact Us" tab at the bottom of this page.