7 Ways to Cope With the Stress and Anxiety Caused by Intimate Partner Violence

1. Identifying Triggers

When a person has been through a traumatic situation such as Intimate Partner Violence, there are often elements that provoke or amplify suffering. Those triggers can provoque flashbacks, anxiety, anger, fear, sadness or panic attacks. These triggers may be specific reminders that evoke or resemble the trauma suffered, such as smells, sounds, words, a tone in the voice, the anniversary date of certain events, places, certain types of books, films or music, etc. They may also be different situations linked to the trauma suffered. It can also be different situations related to the context of violence, such as an appointment with one's lawyer, a court appearance, the exchange of custody of the children, a meeting with DYP workers, etc. Obviously, the abuser's ongoing violent behaviours, whether before or after separation, will create, trigger and maintain these consequence. The same is true of secondary victimization by loved ones, which is when they react negatively or judgmentally towards the victim.

Triggers are often numerous at the start of recovery, but lose their power over time.

It's useful to identify these triggers to be as prepared as possible, by describing them in writing, along with the reactions they elicit. Some triggers can then be avoided (e.g. avoid certain people or situations that elicit triggers and that are detrimental to your recovery) and it also becomes possible to plan strategies for dealing with the triggers that can't be avoided.

2. Breathing and Relaxation Exercises

When a person experiences fears or triggers, they stop breathing normally, hold their breath, breathe too quickly or without fully inflating their lungs. They also tend to stiffen their entire body and tense up, which amplifies anxiety. Taking control of breathing and muscles is therefore often an effective tool for curbing an anxiety attack or flashbacks, and as a means of managing stress in general. All relaxation, meditation and breathing techniques can be beneficial, and it's a question of finding the one that suits one best. 

*Links to various techniques and tools are available at the bottom of this article.

3. Grounding exercices

Panic attacks are often related to past events (the traumas themselves) or to future events (anticipating violence or future difficulties). One way to take control is thus to anchor oneself in the present as firmly as possible.

• Paying attention to your senses: what you see, what you hear, what you touch, what you smell, what you taste.
• Using temporal reminders of the present (a watch, a stopwatch, a calendar, an alarm, a verbal reminder, etc.).
• Creating strong sensations, to use as anchors to the present (holding ice firmly listening to a film or loud music, taking a hot or cold shower, immersing hands in water, smelling something with a strong odour like an essential oil or perfume, eating a cinnamon candy or a eucalyptus lozenge, etc.). When fighting a flashback that affects one sense more than the others, it can be effective to counter it in the same sense. For example, counter an unpleasant smell with a strong odour in the present.
• Holding an object as a reminder of the present: a key-ring, an anti-stress object, a piece of jewelry, a photo, etc.
• Repeating mantras outloud or in one's mind (or listen to a recording of ourselves or someone we trust) as a reminder of safety, of the date or the year, of the fact that the violence has stopped and that the crisis will pass.
• Practicing mindfulness.

4. Finding Comfort and Warmth

At a time of anxiety or distress, reassurance and human warmth can make a world of difference. Talking to trusted friends and family members can go a long way towards feeling better. Physical contact with a loved one or a pet can also helps to ease pain and suffering. While it's not always possible to access someone's comfort, it is also possible to create other ways of accessing it.

• Wrapping oneself in a blanket.
• Snuggling with a stuffed animal.
• Wearing loose, soft, warm and comfortable clothes.
• Listening to soothing music.
• Lighting a candle or a fire in a fireplace.
• Eating something related to good times, like Grandma's apple pie.
• Listening to a favorite movie or series that is very familiar.

5. Mental Visualization

The power of imagination can be used to promote well-being and recovery. Imagination allows tools that don't exist in reality and thus can help to build solutions that are perfectly tailored to one's situation. It gives us access to people, places, activities or magic that are not available in reality.

Imagining oneself wearing protective clothing or armor.
Imagining a button that makes us invisible to others or gives us superhuman courage.
Imagining a safe place to take refuge.
Imagining receiving the love and care we need but don't (or can't always) have access to.
Imagining oneself in a favorite TV show or movie, interacting with the characters, taking part in the story, being the heroine (why not!) or being protected by someone.

6. Distracting one's mind

Emotions, anxiety, bad memories and flashbacks take place in our brains. Distracting the mind can help to reduce distressing sensations and emotions.

• Reading a book or magazine.
• Watching television, radio or a podcast.
• Going to the cinema.
• Signing up for a course.
• Doing crosswords, sudokus or other mind games.
• Playing video games.
• Listening to "Lo-Fi" music can help to calm your mind.
• Working on a "Paint-by-number" or "diamond-art" project or colouring mandalas.
• Building a challenging puzzle or lego project.

7. Getting Support from a Specialized Counsellor

To promote recovery, it can be very helpful to have access to a counsellor who is specialized in intimate partner violence. This counsellor can offer support and guidance, no matter what one wants to do with their situation. They can also help to explore the different recourses, services and resources that are available. They can also explore needs in terms of individual or group support, and explore the possibility of continuing one's journey through psychotherapy.

You can access 24-hour anonymous, confidential and free telephone support, individual meetings, support groups and many other services by contacting SOS Violence Conjugale via the "Contact Us" tab at the bottom of this page.