Helping Someone Understanding IPV
But why doesn't she leave? : the intimate partner violence trap
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16 933
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Reading time : 6 min
Because intimate partner violence (IPV) is complex issue, it is difficult to understand what a victim is really facing when she thinks about leaving. It can be difficult to understand why the victim is making the choice not to leave an abusive partner. In reality, leaving an abusive situation can be very difficult and involve many issues that make this decision very tricky for victims.
The ferris wheel allegory
It is often said that we must respect the victim's rhythm in terms of a possible breakup. In reality, it is not really the victim who is in cause in this rhythm, but the pace of the violence itself. There are times when leaving an abusive relationship can be more perilous than staying in it. Just like being on a Ferris wheel.
When you're on a Ferris wheel, you have limited opportunities to get off, and you have no control over its pace. If the person operating the Ferris wheel decides to stop it while it's at the top... you're stuck. You have to wait for the wheel to start again, for the basket to be at the bottom and for it to stop so that it becomes possible to get off. To make an even more realistic parallel with intimate partner violence, let's imagine that the wheel never stops at the bottom, and that it doesn't always turn at the same speed. You're more and more nauseous... but you can't get off safely. Getting out of a situation of IPV is a bit like that. The wheel often stops at the top, the operator leads the way and the passenger has little control over the situation. It may take many turns on the wheel to understand its rhythm and plan the best way to get off in the safest way possible.
IPV resources are there to accompany the victim on this ride, to help her assess what she is facing, to plan the best time to get off, and to wait for her at the bottom, putting as many mats as possible under the wheel, in case the ride is difficult.
Here are some of the issues that can trap victims in abusive relationships :
Potential for Danger
The moment of separation is the most dangerous time for victims of IPV and for their children. There is a real danger of escalation and an increased risk for serious injury and, in some cases, homicide. Victims of IPV feel this potential for danger and try to protect themselves and their children as best they can.
Fear of Retaliation and Post Separation Violence
Victims of IPV are often terrified of breaking the news that they want to separate to their partner. They fear that their partner will not accept the separation, and that their situation will be even more difficult than it is now. They fear that the partner will lie to the authorities, lawyers and interveners. They fear that the partner will take physical revenge, or even be the victim of femicide, or that their children will be killed or abducted. In short, they fear that the violence will continue, and that it may even escalate, as is all too often confirmed by post-separation violence.
Isolation and Secondary Victimization
IPV victims are often very isolated from their friends and family. What's more, some loved ones may rush or judge victims' decisions and reactions, inflicting what is known as secondary victimization, which further hampers the relationship and access to support. Not having access to practical assistance and emotional support makes it that much more difficult to imagine leaving the relationship.
Fear for Their Children
The fear that a violent partner will be awarded full or joint custody of the children is very common, especially if he has already made threats in this regard or if he has been violent with the children.
Repercussions of Violence
When they begin to consider leaving a violent partner, many victims have been suffering from violence for months, even years. The consequences of the violence are thus already being felt: they are exhausted, their self-confidence is low, they are confused about their rights, they have stress-related health issues, they are scared and may suffer symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Because of these consequences, it is hard for them to imagine being able to deal with everything that leaving a violent partner means.
Lack of Financial Resources
Chronic financial violence often means that victims of IPV do not have (or do not have access to) the financial resources that would allow them to meet their needs and those of their children, in addition to having to assume all the expenses inherent in a possible separation (moving, layer fees, etc). In addition, the impact of the violence on their health can make it difficult for them to access paid work, sometimes for a long while.
Housing Crisis
The current housing crisis means that it is particularly difficult for victims of IPV to think they will be able to find decent housing at a reasonable cost following a separation. Homelessness is a very real risk for some victims. Many victims tell us that this is one of the main obstacles for them right now.
Lack of Awareness of their Rights
Most victims of IPV are unaware of their rights. They know very little about the legal remedies available to them in criminal court and the criminal behaviours for which they can access them; they don't know that they can break their lease because of IPV, regardless of whether they have filed a complaint or not; they don't know that they have access to special status if their immigration status is linked to their partner or has expired; they don't know much about their rights in terms of family justice, their children's right to alimony, their right to the family patrimony if they are married, and so on.
Lack of Awareness of Resources
Most victims of IPV are unaware of the many resources and programs available to help them. They don't know that free shelter services are available for them and their children. They don't know what housing assistance programs are available. They don't know about the criminal injuries compensation program (IVAC). They don't know about the safety measures that can be put in place when the potential for danger is high. They don't know that they can get free legal advice and psychosocial support to prepare and implement a safer separation. Etc.
Unavailability of Resources
Beyond knowledge of resources, services must be easy to access (depending on distance, for example) and available when victims of violence call on them, for shelter services for example. Unfortunately, resources in Quebec are limited and often insufficient to meet the needs of our community. Many victims remain in violent relationships because they didn't find the resources they needed when they were ready... and that the other issues in their situation closed in on them afterwards. We should always be able to say yes when a victim of IPV asks for access to resources.
Confusion About the Situation
It's very difficult for victims to see IPV for what it is while they are in the situation. Abusive partners use a variety of psychologically abusive mechanisms to manipulate and confuse victims' perceptions of their situation, and to blame them for the difficulties encountered in the relationship. Furthermore, a large proportion of IPV remains little known and is therefore very difficult to identify in one's life, as in the case of psychological, emotional and identity-based violence and of coercive control. It's hard to start thinking about a potential departure when you have difficulty seeing yourself as a victim of IPV and believe you are responsible for the situation.
These issues (and many others) mean that it is vastly preferable to prepare a separation in a situation of IPV than to make a sudden move. It is also absolutely essential to respect the victim’s decisions concerning the timing and rhythm of the separation.
For better or worse : Commitment to the Partner and Family
The question “why does the victim stay?” is often approached from the angle of the issues that trap the victim in the relationship, as we've just done. However, we mustn't forget that another important factor also influences a person's decision about their relationship: the victim's personal commitment to their partner and family. When a person has deep-rooted values associated with altruism, compassion, reliability, perseverance and respect for others and their word, this can encourage a person to remain in a relationship, even when things aren't going well on a day-to-day basis.
What's more, intimate relationships in general are strongly marked by powerful moments of commitment: going “steady”, announcing the relationship to loved ones, deciding to live together, deciding to have a child together, celebrating anniversaries, deciding to get engaged and then married, deciding to buy a house (and unite financial destinies), and so on. Whether it's formal promises like those made in wedding vows or in a contract to buy a house or the day-to-day promises we make to each other as a couple at life's turning points, commitment to one's partner, to one's family and to one's obligations can be deeply ingrained for many victims of intimate partner violence, and weigh heavily in the balance when the time comes to think about the possibility of leaving.
Not to mention the fact that these fine qualities of perseverance and reliability are also frequently exploited and weaponized by abusive partners to keep the person in the relationship.
For more information
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Bien que la violence conjugale touche majoritairement des femmes, elle peut aussi toucher les hommes et les personnes issues de la diversité sexuelle et de genre. Les services de SOS violence conjugale sont offerts à toutes les personnes touchées par la problématique.