Helping Someone Understanding IPV
But why doesn't she leave? : the intimate partner violence trap
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22 133
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Reading time : 6 min
For loved ones, it’s often hard to fully grasp what a victim is going through when she thinks about leaving, and to understand why she might choose to stay with a violent partner. In truth, leaving an abusive relationship can be very dangerous, with many challenges that make the decision to go incredibly difficult.
The ferris wheel allegory
We often hear that we should respect the victim’s pace when it comes to leaving a relationship. But in reality, it’s not really her pace… it’s the pace of the violence itself.
There are times when leaving an abusive relationship can be even more dangerous than staying. It’s a bit like a Ferris wheel.
When you’re on a Ferris wheel, you have very few opportunities to get off, and you have no control over its speed. If the operator decides to stop the wheel while you’re at the top, you’re stuck. You have to wait for the wheel to start moving again, for the car to come back down, and for it to stop before you can safely get off.
With intimate partner violence, it’s even more complicated: the wheel doesn’t always stop, and its speed constantly changes. Your stomach turns, but it’s nearly impossible to get off. Leaving such a relationship is like that. The wheel often stops at the top, the operator is in control, and the passenger has very little say over what happens. Sometimes, many rotations are needed to understand the rhythm and plan the safest way to get off.
intimate partner violence support services are there to accompany the victim on this ride: helping her assess what she is facing, plan the safest moment to get off, and be ready at the bottom with as many cushions as possible to soften the fall if it proves difficult.
Here are some of the challenges that can trap victims in an abusive relationship:
Potential for Danger
Victims of intimate partner violence are often terrified at the thought of telling their partner they want to leave. The moment of the breakup is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. The potential for escalation is high, and in some situations, there is a real risk of serious injury, femicide, or even the murder of children. Victims of violence sense this danger and try to protect themselves and their children.
Fear of Retaliation and Post Separation Violence
Victims often fear that their partner will not accept the separation, and that their situation will be even more difficult than it is now. They fear that the partner will lie to the authorities, lawyers and interveners. They fear that the violence will continue, and that it may even escalate, as is all too often confirmed by post-separation violence.
Isolation and Secondary Victimization
IPV victims are often very isolated from their friends and family. What's more, some loved ones may rush or judge victims' decisions and reactions, inflicting what is known as secondary victimization, which further hampers the relationship and access to support. Not having access to practical assistance and emotional support makes it that much more difficult to imagine leaving the relationship.
Fear for Their Children
The fear that a violent partner will be awarded full or joint custody of the children is very common, especially if he has already made threats in this regard or if he has been violent with the children.
Repercussions of Violence
When they begin to consider leaving a violent partner, many victims have been suffering from violence for months, even years. The consequences of the violence are thus already being felt: they are exhausted, their self-confidence is low, they are confused about their rights, they have stress-related health issues, they are scared and may suffer symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Because of these consequences, it is hard for them to imagine being able to deal with everything that leaving a violent partner means.
Lack of Financial Resources
Chronic financial violence often means that victims of IPV do not have (or do not have access to) the financial resources that would allow them to meet their needs and those of their children, in addition to having to assume all the expenses inherent in a possible separation (moving, layer fees, etc). In addition, the impact of the violence on their health can make it difficult for them to access paid work, sometimes for a long while.
Housing Crisis
The current housing crisis means that it is particularly difficult for victims of IPV to think they will be able to find decent housing at a reasonable cost following a separation. Homelessness is a very real risk for some victims. Many victims tell us that this is one of the main obstacles for them right now.
Lack of Awareness of their Rights
Most victims of IPV are unaware of their rights. They know very little about the legal remedies available to them in criminal court and the criminal behaviours for which they can access them; they don't know that they can break their lease because of IPV, regardless of whether they have filed a complaint or not; they don't know that they have access to special status if their immigration status is linked to their partner or has expired; they don't know much about their rights in terms of family justice, their children's right to alimony, their right to the family patrimony if they are married, and so on.
Lack of Awareness of Resources
Most victims of IPV are unaware of the many resources and programs available to help them. They don't know that free shelter services are available for them and their children. They don't know what housing assistance programs are available. They don't know about the criminal injuries compensation program (IVAC). They don't know about the safety measures that can be put in place when the potential for danger is high. They don't know that they can get free legal advice and psychosocial support to prepare and implement a safer separation. Etc.
Unavailability of Resources
Beyond knowledge of resources, services must be easy to access (depending on distance, for example) and available when victims of violence call on them, for shelter services for example. Unfortunately, resources in Quebec are limited and often insufficient to meet the needs of our community. Many victims remain in violent relationships because they didn't find the resources they needed when they were ready... and that the other issues in their situation closed in on them afterwards. We should always be able to say yes when a victim of IPV asks for access to resources.
Confusion About the Situation
It's very difficult for victims to see IPV for what it is while they are in the situation. Abusive partners use a variety of psychologically abusive mechanisms to manipulate and confuse victims' perceptions of their situation, and to blame them for the difficulties encountered in the relationship. Furthermore, a large proportion of IPV remains little known and is therefore very difficult to identify in one's life, as in the case of psychological, emotional and identity-based violence and of coercive control. It's hard to start thinking about a potential departure when you have difficulty seeing yourself as a victim of IPV and believe you are responsible for the situation.
These issues (and many others) mean that it is vastly preferable to prepare a separation in a situation of IPV than to make a sudden move. It is also absolutely essential to respect the victim’s decisions concerning the timing and rhythm of the separation.
For better or worse : Commitment to the Partner and Family
We often talk about the obstacles that trap a victim in an abusive relationship, but another factor is just as important: the victim’s personal commitment to her partner and family.
Imagine a rope slowly woven over the years. Each shared moment — becoming an official couple, moving in together, having a child, getting married, buying a home — adds another thread. The rope becomes strong, almost impossible to cut in a single motion. Even when the relationship turns abusive, this web of connections and promises can hold a person in place.
For many victims, these commitments reflect their loyalty, perseverance, and sense of responsibility. Sadly, these same qualities are often exploited by the abusive partner to keep them in the relationship, making the idea of leaving even more difficult.
For more information
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Safety During Separation: Practical Strategies to Protect Yourself When Leaving a Violent Partner
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Bien que la violence conjugale touche majoritairement des femmes, elle peut aussi toucher les hommes et les personnes issues de la diversité sexuelle et de genre. Les services de SOS violence conjugale sont offerts à toutes les personnes touchées par la problématique.