Safety During Separation: Practical Strategies to Protect Yourself When Leaving a Violent Partner

Preparing to Leave

Leaving an abusive relationship involves several challenges and requires many steps. It is a difficult decision that carries the risk of the partner escalating their violence to maintain control over the victim. For this reason, it is helpful to carefully prepare this step. For more information on this topic, you can refer to the articles Preparing to Leave: A Delicate Step and Breaking the Hold of Intimate Partner Violence.

Creating A Safety Buffer

Since it is uncertain how an abusive partner may react to the announcement of a breakup, it is recommended to create a buffer, a distance between the victim and the abuser. To ensure safety during the first days following a separation while waiting to see how the partner reacts to the situation by :

• Avoiding announcing the departure in person to the abuser. Preferably do so in an indirect communication (such as sending an email or a letter) once you are safe.
• Taking photos of the contents and condition of the residence at the time of departure.
• Setting up technological barriers (refer to the article on this topic here).
• Avoiding seeking refuge in a place known to the partner.
• Informing the police services in your city of residence that you have left (with the children if applicable) and are safe, in case the abusive partner attempts to report your disappearance to find out where you are.
• Informing your loved ones that you have left and are safe, but without telling them the location where you have taken refuge.
• Avoiding neighborhoods and places frequented by the abuser.
• Arranging to meet loved ones at a safe distance from where you are staying.
• Avoiding withdrawing money from a joint account or using a joint credit card (or any other account, even personal, to which the partner may have access), as this can allow the abuser to know where the withdrawal was made. In an emergency, make a transaction or withdraw money in a location that is misleading as to where you are living (in a different city for example).
• Blocking direct communications from the partner (phone, text, messenger, Facebook, etc.), requesting to be contacted only by email.
• Preparing what you want to say (and if you want to respond) if the abuser manages to contact you.
• Monitoring to ensure the partner does not contact the children via their devices, apps, intelligent toys or online games.
• Considering the idea of temporarily not going to work and keeping the children safe with you.

Finding Safety in a Shelter

At the time of a separation, it may be safer to seek refuge in a shelter rather than staying with loved ones or in a new home. Shelters are comfortable, confidential, and secure places. They provide access to support throughout your journey and in your efforts, with staff ensuring safety 24/7. In Quebec, there is a network of first and second-stage shelters. To request shelter, you can contact SOS violence conjugale, available 24/7 at 1 800 363-9010.

If There Is No Space In Shelters, Asking For An Assessment Of The Risks You Are Facing.

Unfortunately, there are times when no shelter space is available within a reasonable distance. If you request shelter and no space is available, you can ask for a risk assessment to be conducted by a counsellor who is specialized in intimate partner violence. This counsellor will be able to offer safety planning and, if the potential risk is too high, will explore different possibilities to build a safety net.

Asking for Police Assistance to Retrieve Your Essential Belongings

Following a hasty departure in a crisis situation, you may need to return home to retrieve some essential personal items (credit cards, identification documents, passport, personal computer, small suitcase, etc.). Since this is a particularly sensitive moment in terms of safety, you can request the assistance of the police to do so.

Preventing Judicial Violence and Querulousness

Many legal issues arise at the time of a separation in the context of intimate partner violence. To prevent the abusive partner from exploiting these proceedings by :

• Consulting a lawyer promptly to make the most informed decisions for the future.
• Be represented by a lawyer for anything related to the separation.
• Requesting a legal order for temporary custody of the children due to intimate partner violence, until a more in-depth hearing can be held.
• Documenting as accurately as possible the violence experienced, both before and after the separation.
• Exploring the idea of pressing charges for the criminel offenses so that this can be taken into account in Family or youth Court proceedings.
• Minimizing direct interactions and negotiations with the ex-partner without intermediaries, especially by avoiding family mediation.
• Requesting a judgment that specifies in detail communication procedures, response times, child exchange arrangements, regular access rights, access during holidays and special days, travel rights, and the sharing of expenses (regular and exceptional costs), etc.
• Requesting supervised visits or supervised exchanges for the children.
• Avoiding at all costs making the children the messengers between the parents.
• Using a co-parenting communication app.
• Using an expense-sharing app to avoid piecemeal negotiations.
• Requesting automatic payment of child support.
• Requesting that a civil protection order be included in the separation judgment.
• Documenting and reporting any violation of a court order or judgment to the police or your lawyer promptly.

The organization Rebatir offers victims of intimate partner violence or sexual violence 4 hours of free legal advice in all areas of law (civil, criminal, immigration, child protection, etc.). They can be reached at 1-833-REBATIR.

Protecting one's finances and credit

The financial life of a victim can be targeted by an abusive partner throughout the relationship. This violence can also escalate at the time of the separation and affect the aftermath of the breakup. To protect oneself by :

• Ensuring that your salary and any other economic benefits (unemployment insurance, health insurance, child tax benefits, etc.) are deposited into an account solely in your name.
• Notifying the government agencies responsible for child tax benefits of any changes in the legal custody of a child as soon as possible.
• Documenting the status of any joint bank accounts or joint credit cards at the time of departure and thereafter.
• Closing personal and joint accounts that the partner previously had access to.
• Changing the "security questions" used to access your accounts, using "new false answers" to prevent an ex-partner who knows your life well from using that information to guess the answers to the security questions and access your new accounts.
• Regularly checking your credit report to see if there are any accounts listed that you did not open personally, or if creditors have requested access to your credit report without you having applied for credit or a loan.
• Subscribing to credit monitoring services or add an identity theft (or fraud) alert to your credit report by contacting the two national credit reporting agencies in Canada: Equifax and TransUnion.