When we first met, I remember telling him that I was really bad at math, it was sort of a joke but I really had flunked sec 5 math. After that, he would always call me out about that, but he told me that it didn't matter because he was really good at math. With time, this became the pretext for him to take care of everything concerning our financial life. At first I was relieved (who wouldn't be !)... but as time went by, I had less and less space and less and less power over my own financial situation. He would monitor my credit card purchases and criticize any expense that we hadn't «thought through» together... he also said that I was «financially irresponsible».

I spent whole nights not sleeping, because he often told me that one day he was going to commit suicide and take me with him.

The hardest thing for me was that my husband controlled my sleep. He demanded that I get up with him when he had to go to work (at 2am) out of solidarity. After an hour drinking coffee and chatting while he was getting ready, I couldn't go back to sleep. He went to bed at 7pm, but I had to take care of the children (under the pretext that he had to get up very early) and I couldn't go to bed before 9 or 10pm. I was always exhausted from not being able to get enough sleep. This went on for years. Even now, long after we broke up, I still wake up every day at 2am.

When I met her, she told me that she was suffering from «terminal» cancer. Very quickly, she asked me to lend her money to pay for medication and treatment. I even took her on a trip to the beach, believing she was living her last months. When I started asking myself questions, and asking HER questions, she left me. I later found out that she wasn't sick at all. I felt betrayed... and ashamed.

I feel like I've spent half of my life making incredible efforts, walking on eggshells, always being careful not to provoke him, not to bother him, not to upset him, not to talk too loud, not to say silly things... it took so much energy that I didn't have any left for anything else. What hurts me today is when someone says to me «But why didn't you do anything?»

He would stand in front of the door of the room I was in so he wouldn't let me out. On days when I was in better shape and I wouldn't give in to his demands, it could last for hours. He wouldn't touch me or say anything, he would stand with his arms folded, stare at me and move more to the left or right if I tried to get out. It was a real mental torture.

A part of my entourage has turned their back on me. He told them that I made everything up (the intimate partner violence) to get custody of our daughter. This part is important, I think, the manipulation of those close to the victims. It is not understood. When I took refuge in the shelter, I decided to practice «non-contact» with my ex, because otherwise I knew he would take me on a roller coaster of manipulation. Even so, he continued to have a hold on me through my loved ones.

First, he took me completely away from my best friend. She was having difficulties and he said that she was a bad influence on me, that I «took her problems on my shoulders and we were tired of our own». And in a way, he was credible, it was true that my friend needed me a lot and that I was preoccupied with her situation. When my friend would call or text, my boyfriend would get in a really bad mood, it was so heavy. I started to avoid answering when I saw it was her. Or I would answer her very quickly, without really taking the time to listen to her... I didn't feel free to do so anymore. My friend was really hurt and angry with me, and I felt terrible shame and guilt. Over time, we just completely drifted apart. Then it was my brother's turn...