My ex was always asking me to make «compromises» that often meant to stay away from my friends, my family, my ambitions, etc. He would tell me that I was investing too much energy in certain activities (my studies for example) or certain people, instead of investing myself with him. Today, I know that there is a difference between a compromise... and a sacrifice.

During my relationship, I was very affected by the situation. I had horrible nightmares, insomnia, panic attacks, I felt empty, exhausted and depressed all the time. I consulted with therapists and many other professionals but I didn't tell them about the violence... I was ashamed and I wasn't really sure if it was violence anyway. Eventually, I received a "psychiatric" diagnosis. When my ex found out, he started calling me «mentally ill» in front of everyone, including the children AND the social and legal workers who were in the file at the time of our separation. He used this diagnosis to portray me as unstable and it worked. That label hurt me a lot. Today, I know that I was wounded by the violence and not really «sick».

I had no say in the decisions about our child's care. He said that I was too «soft» and that I didn't know how to supervise him. One time he held our son in his arms and made me throw all his toys in the garbage... I didn't want to but the more I stood up to him, the harder he restrained him and the more my son cried out in pain. I finally did it, and then he didn't let me comfort my child.

She yelled at me for long minutes. I was afraid the neighbours would hear and people on the street would know. I tried to tell her to keep it down, but she wouldn't. I was so ashamed.

One thing I now understand... is that a partner should pull us «up» and not «down». With my ex, his comments in general always made me feel less confident, less sure of myself, less sure about my skills, less able. He often made me feel ashamed of myself. With my new boyfriend, it's absolutely the opposite of that. He cheers me up, I feel that he finds me interesting, that he has confidence in my skills, that he will support me if I ever have a hard time... without laughing at me or making me feel that he «told me so». The contrast is crazy. I hope that you can experience that someday.

He was very aggressive with my cats. Sometimes he hit them or sprayed them with cleaning products right in their faces. My cats wouldn't come out of the basement because they were too afraid of him. Even years after we broke up, they are still very suspicious and don't come near anyone... including me.

He used my religious beliefs and religious texts to manipulate me and keep me in the relationship. He twisted the writings to make me feel guilty for wanting to leave.

My 3-year-old witnessed his father pulling my hair and yelling at me. He tried to stop it and got a slap from his father. I realized at that moment that my little guy thought it was his job to protect me from his father's violence.

I was constantly being harassed by phone. He would call and write me all the time when I wasn't with him. If I had the misfortune of not answering immediately, he would make threats.

He convinced me to stop taking my antidepressants. He said I didn't need them, that I had been fooled by the doctors and «big pharma», that I was gullible. He harassed me with this issue for weeks, months. I stopped taking them because I couldn't take the pressure anymore. My condition was getting worse. During this time, he would see my parents and my friends without my knowledge and tell them that I was refusing to take my medication and that he was worried about my mental health.

He was trying to discourage me in my studies and he would make comments : «Why do you keep studying in that field, you're not really cut out for that kind of work. You're wasting your time».  When I had to study, he was constantly bothering me, convincing me to go out, pressuring me to stop working on my papers and spend time with him.

Despite the fact that we had been separated for 10 years, he still had regular contact with my family, despite the fact that I had already asked him to stop doing so. He stole my family from me.